An Alternative List for Wake’s New Assistant Basketball Coach

Note: Hello friends, my name is Ya Boy Stan Cotten (@NotStanCotten), and thank you for reading. Before I was a guy pretending to be another guy on the internet I was a Wake Forest fan, always have been and always will be. Here are some thoughts on who Wake should hire as the new assistant basketball coach (no basketball experience required).

Earlier this week we speculated on what we knew about the opening for the Wake Forest assistant coaching job. Today we speculate on five people with Wake Forest ties who could become the new Assistant Basketball Coach.

1. Channing Tatum

Connection to Wake: Channing Tatum was originally recruited to play football at Wake until he couldn’t make the grades at which point his offered was rescinded.

Pros: Channing had a meteoric rise to stardom with his acting career but it may be time for him to pursue his first dream of becoming a Demon Deacon. Danny Manning may have played under legendary coach Larry Brown, but Tatum played a guy who played under Coach Carter played by Samuel L Jackson. They say growing up in Richmond you're 80% more likely to go to prison than college. Well Tatum is such a high achiever that he managed to beat the system by becoming a cop who goes to college in 22 Jump Street. Channing’s greatest asset may be his Magic Mike stripper connection, and if Louisville has shown us anything, it’s that strippers help get recruits.

Cons: Tatum’s work in the movie Step Up raised a big concern for me. In the movie Tatum encouraged his dance partner to forgo college in order to pursue her dream. We can’t have a coach encouraging players to play basketball but not attend college classes……that’s how UNC got in trouble.

2. Lee Norris

Connection to Wake: Norris, known for playing Stuart Minkus on Boy Meets World and Mouth McFadden on One Tree Hill, graduated from Wake in 2004.

Pros: Norris puts the word student in the phrase “student-athlete”. During his time at John Adams High School and under the tutelage of Mr. Feeney, Norris’s character Minkus amassed an astounding 699 A’s, and solidified himself as the class Salutatorian. The tag team of Norris and Manning on the recruiting trail would be unstoppable, and Wake would be the proud home of the first McDonald’s All-American/Rhodes Scholar.

Cons: Norris’s character Mouth McFadden on One Tree Hill raised some concerns for me. On a show about basketball it isn’t great when you are always picked to be the guy who “commentates the game”. Don’t get me wrong Norris probably learned a lot watching Chad Michael Murray juggle basketball pressure with teenage angst, but I’m not positive Norris wouldn’t want to move from the Wake Forest bench to the commentators table. Wake has one of the best commentators in the game with Stan Cotton. This could prove too much for Norris and he could go rogue. The last thing we need is another person trying to impersonate Stan on the internet.

3. Will Ferrell’s Mom Kay Overman Farrell

Connection to Wake: Mrs. Ferrell graduated from Wake in 1963.

Pros: ESPN eats up human interest stories and there is no better way to get exposure then to have two parent/child coach/player connections on the team. The dynamic duo of Randolph Childress/Kay Farrell on the bench and Brandon Childress/Jackie Moon on the court would be amazing. Plus Wake halftimes with Jackie Moon would be absurd. “Hey, did you hear that Wake had a Red Panda at their halftime….not the performer the animal it just ran around on the court and they had to delay the game for half an hour”

Cons: Wake has a solid contract with Nike, and that could be a problem for Mrs. Ferrell. It is in a parent’s best interest to support their child’s artistic interests. No matter how horrible Will’s character from Zoolander, Jacobim Mugatu’s, fashion creations were, you know that his mother supports them. You thought the mustard colored uniforms were bad? Just wait until you see the Demon Deac Derelicte campaign.

4. The Demon Deacon’s Dad

Connection to Wake: Son has been the mascot for over 75 years.

Pros: The Demon Deacon’s dad is truly one of the saddest stories that nobody ever talks about. Papa Deac’s son performs at every home football and basketball game, but still his father only bothers to show up once a year on Parent’s Weekend. At first I thought this was just a result of selfishness, but I honestly think they just had a falling out and Papa Deac just shows up to keep up appearances. I mean you raise your son in a wholesome household and he rewards you by dropping out of divinity school and riding around on a motorcycle. I think having Papa Deac and the Demon Deac in the same proximity may foster some goodwill between the two that will ultimately benefit the university.

Cons: Papa Deac is using some sort of PEDs. The first couple years that we saw Papa Deac he had a full beard, had a lean figure and used a walker to get around. Lately Papa Deac has been clean shaven, bulked up and has seemingly found the fountain of youth. Steroids have been widely known to promote hair loss (thus the loss of the beard). Also, how the hell do you go from using a walker to being able to walk freely without some sort of performance enhancer? Having Papa Deac on the staff would be a liability in case the NCAA decides to start drug testing coaches.

5. The GEICO Caveman

Connection to Wake: Brainchild of Wake Forest alumnus Joe Lawson.

Pros: This is obviously a progressive approach for Wake and for college basketball in general. The Indianapolis Colt’s took a huge leap when drafting caveman-esque quarterback Andrew Luck in 2012, and it is time for Wake to catch up. You may be wondering “what guarantee do we have that he actually takes the job?” My theory is if you tell him that he gets to go to an institution with the word “Forest” in the name and gets to eat at a place called “The Pit” then he would come running.

Cons: This seems too much like a Bzdelik hire. Hiring someone who is 100,000 years old (caveman) makes about as much sense as hiring someone who is 58 years old (Bzdelik when he was hired) to be the future of the program. Plus very much like Bzdelik’s tenure the GEICO caveman’s sitcom was short lived and never received any accolades after the season ended.