Editor's Note: Obvious satire.
We had a chance to speak with Donald Trump following the GOP debate last night to get his thoughts on the Wake Forest basketball team. Trump agreed, but only on the grounds that we publish his words verbatim without edits. Here’s what The Donald had to say about our beloved Demon Deacons:
"Thanks for having me, but first of all I have to comment on something that’s bothering me. This thing with Boston College – this so-called "rivalry" – it’s absolutely ridiculous. We’re over here sitting with a tremendous number of wins, and a couple of losses (might I add to POWERHOUSE teams) this season while Boston College is sitting at what, 2-22…3-20? It doesn’t even matter what they are, they’re bad, just really bad. This is crazy – let me tell you - they’re lashing out at us because they're running a poor campaign over there this year. They don’t matter, it’s crazy. If it weren’t for Wake Forest and this rivalry, nobody would be talking about Boston College right now – NOBODY at all. They’re jealous.
And the way the ACC expanded? Sad. It’s sad. We need to get the ACC great again and these guys like Boston College, Syracuse, Virginia Tech, they want handouts and they don’t want to work for it. You know last year Syracuse didn’t even qualify for the ACC Tournament? I mean that’s how bad these guys are – they’re awful they didn’t qualify for the ACC. It’s sad. Anyway, I hate it – this expansion. I hate it. It’s like in golf. A lot of people – and I don’t want this to sound trivial - but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. Unlike myself and my beautiful golf courses. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they think they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I hate expansion. I’m a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be supporters of these teams, but I am a traditionalist.
But anyway, the AP Poll. What’s going on there? We’re ahead in every single poll. Every last one. But the AP Poll doesn’t have us ranked like this Bleacher Report does. Bleacher Report, great publication by the way just great, always does a good job covering everything. They’re spot on, just spot on. Let me tell you though, the mainstream media won’t report it. No matter how well we do – Wake is BAD BAD BAD. The AP is biased and it’s just a bunch of washed-up wannabe journalist losers.
You know the Joel, recently, I was at the Joel the other night you know? And you want to know what somebody said to me? They did, really this is true, this is what somebody said to me. We have to do something about all these UNC fans. Seriously, someone said that. And they said "Mr. Trump, thank you for doing something." This is all true, all true. This guy said we have to do something about Carolina fans. He’s right, you know after Wake had that 8-24 season recently I saw thousands of people who go to the Joel cheering about the record. There were THOUSANDS of people cheering about it. The media says this is not true, but I saw it with my own eyes and the media is lying. We have to make sure that these people don’t cheer against us when they're in our house. Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Tarholes entering not only the Joel, but the entire United States.
To keep the home court advantage at the Joel, beautiful arena by the way…the work they’re doing there for the basketball team, simply phenomenal, we’re going to build a wall. And, you know, people keep saying "its too expensive," "how are you gonna pay?" and I tell them we’re going to be great. We’re going to get all the UNC fans to pay for it. It’s too easy, too easy. I rode past Walmart – I don’t drive, I pay someone to drive me, probably a Louisville or N.C. State graduate or something- and Walmart, phenomenal company by the way, and anyway they’re having a sale on brick or something. It’s common sense, these UNC fans just have to go from the clothing aisle over to the bricks and buy them and they’re going to build it. And after they do, we’re gonna send them right back to Walmart. You know – it’s just that easy.
Speaking of UNC this year have you seen these guys play? They’re terrible, just terrible. Ranked number one preseason by the biased media, yeah come on guys – terrible. I don’t like UNC at all. They used to be great. But they got caught. I don’t like teams that get caught. This team is no good and you know why? This Britt kid, he's got a beautiful face by the way, but he’s no leader – HUGE flip-flopper….HUGE….he’s using this hand and that hand and this hand and then that hand. He can’t decide, he’s a loser.
You know, I saw part of the Wake game last night and I have to tell you, this Dinos kid is terrific. I wouldn’t say I would appoint him as my Secretary of Defense, but he’s doing it right. Comes here through hard work, gets into the country legally and is just terrific. Greece is sending their best over.
And this Thomas guy. I mean look at the muscle on that kid. He’s huge – absolutely massive asset. I’m going into Pennsylvania and we’re going to win it together with this kid. Bucknell? Losers. We’re already torching Pennsylvania and we’re going to do it together. Me and Devin. He’s great.
Oh and it was great to see Codi back. I love watching him play. You know who this kid is right? He’s fast with the ball, he’s fast without the ball. He’s going this way, he’s going that way, this way, that way, this way, that way. Fabulous player. True American warrior. The way he came back from this injury. He’s a fighter. He's got a clean bill of health now, though it wasn't as good as my excellent report. I was getting coffee the other day with Teddy from Texas and we were both talking about this kid Codi. He’s going to make Wake great again.
I mean look how bad Obama has been for Wake Forest. He came into office, what…2009? Wake made their last NCAA Tournament in 2010. Any coincidence? I don’t think so. He’s completely destroyed this program. The last few years I mean….would anybody trust Obama to be president with what he’s done to Wake basketball? Just look at it…absolutely disgusting. Total loser. I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to UNC though. Together we’re going to do it, Wake and Trump – making Wake great again.
Just look at who Wake beat this year! Okay win against UCLA. Okay win against Indiana. That win against UMBC in the opener? HUGE. Last night’s win against a very underrated UNCG team – likely a top 25 team but the media won’t tell you that – PHENOMENAL. You know I’ve talked with Danny, who is huge by the way absolutely huge, probably 7 or 8 feet tall, and you know what I told him? I told him, and this is true by the way completely true, "Danny you know apologizing is a great thing, but don’t apologize for winning. In order to apologize you have to be wrong and in the future, if you’re ever wrong again, then apologize. But never apologize for winning."
We talked about Coach K. You know how I feel about Coach K? Sadly, he’s no longer a 10. He used to be a 10 and he used to be great but he’s just not a 10 anymore. He’s a loser. He’s too weak and frail to run a team anymore. He’s passing out on the sidelines. And you know what the bloggers said? He’s passionate look how passionate he is – he’s giving it his all. I’m serious, that’s what these so-called journalists in the Triangle had to say. No, he’s just a weak loser who needs to be put out to pasture.
And what about these fans Duke has? I mean when Duke sends its fans to games, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems. They’re bringing kids from Jersey, they’re bringing mismatched Pikachu hats with Digimon shirts and Dragon Ball Z pants. They’re geeds and some, I assume, are mediocre people, but I speak to security guards at games and they’re telling us what kind of Duke fans we’re getting. It’s got to change. Duke – awful fans, awful team, awful coach. Ban all Duke fans. Build a wall around Jersey, keep them contained, and fly drones with little cameras attached over the wall to watch them all try to avoid getting eaten by Christie up there.
You know, I’ve gotta get out of here but just wanted to drop by to talk about these Deacs and how they’re going to be great again. I saw that Crawford kid play last night, hard-nosed DC kid, tries hard, working his way up. He’s great, he’s fun to watch, he’s exciting. It’s like watching me out there on the debate stage. I love it and I love him.
By the way I’ve read some of your tweets. They’re horrible. I know I’m rich and you’re not so you’re jealous, but keep your tweets about Wake. You know nothing about politics. It’s disgusting and I told all my supporters to boycott Blogger So Dear. It’s disgusting. Stick to sports and be like any real American and vote for me next year. We’re going to make Wake great again though. You know it, I know it, and America knows it."