What follows is what I'm hoping will become a regular post following football games. I say "hope" because my drive to write waxes and wanes, and also because certain games require more catharsis than others.
WARNING: This post may contain language unsuitable for children. Or old people. Or the real Jim Grobe.
The Inner Monologues of Jim Grobe from September 15, 2012
Doak-Campbell Stadium, Tallahassee, FL
Pregame: Okay, Jim. Not feeling great about this. It's hot out here today, and Florida State looks awfully big. Lotta people here too. I have to admit, that flaming spear thing is pretty cool. I hope it doesn't give Steed any ideas.
--- FIRST QUARTER ---
15:00, Orville Reynolds returns kickoff to Wake 16 - Ehhhhhh, not a great start. I hate when I have to field the ball on kickoffs. Maybe I should tell those guys to just take touchbacks every time. Nah... maybe they'll make something happen.
14:56 (Wake 1st and 10 on Wake 16) substitution infraction on Wake Forest - How the hell did I get a substitution infraction on the first play? Okay... okay... still first down... maybe Tanner can pull something out.
14:17 (Wake 4th and 12 on Wake 14) punt by Alex Kinal 42 yards, returned 9 yards by Rashad Greene - Okay, not a great start on offense. Maybe Steed was too busy fantasizing about that flaming spear. Still, we can't get penalties on every drive. I've got that Australian guy punting. I saw how well that worked for Les last year. Hell if I know this kid's name though. I'll just call him "Not Brad Wing".
13:22 (FSU 4th and 6 on Wake 43) punt by Cason Beatty 38 yards, no return - THAT'S what I'm talking about. Way to go defense! Maybe you've got a shot at this after all, Jimmy Boy.
13:05 (Wake 1st and 10 on Wake 5) run by Josh Harris for 6 yards, 15 yard penalty on FSU's Xavier Rhodes - I feel like Horatio Caine right now! YEAAAAAAAAAAH!
12:48 (Wake 1st and 10 on Wake 26) run by Josh Harris for 34 yards - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Where are my sunglasses? YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
11:53 (Wake 3rd and 10 on FSU 40) Bjorn Werner sack of Tanner Pricer for 11 yard loss - NOOOOOOOOO! Damn, that Bjork dude is good. Maybe I should go to Norway and recruit some. He is from Norway, right? Maybe I can get over to Sweden while I'm there. Love them meatballs. Oh crap. Better go send in Not Brad Wing to punt.
10:45 (FSU 2nd and 12 on FSU 8) catch by Rashad Greene for 21 yards - Okay Jim. You're winning the field position battle. You have pinned them ba... craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap.
7:34 (FSU 4th and 5 on Wake 44) punt by Cason Beatty 39 yards, downed - Defense is still holding. So far so good Jim. So far so good. God I would kill someone for some Swedish meatballs right about now.
5:51 (Wake 4th and 5 on Wake 10) punt by Alex Kinal 37 yards, fair catch - Punting is winning, baby. Tom O'Brien ain't got shit on the Grobe. Feeling good. Maybe I better check on Steed.
Grobe: Steed! What's going on? What's the plan here?
Steed Lobotzke: Well Jim, I attacked the left defensive end goblin, but the 2d12 rolls from the medium effectiveness axe I was using was really unlucky. I rolled a 1 and a 2. I've gotta do more damage to it next time.
Grobe: What the... STEED?!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???? ARE YOU PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS?!?
5:22 (FSU 1st and 10 on Wake 47) run by Chris Thompson for 33 yards - OH GODDAMMIT. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
4:51 (FSU 2nd and 12 on Wake 16) run by EJ Manuel for 16 yard touchdown - F*CK. Okay... okay... calm down Jim. It's just a touchdown. You were down last week too and got the win. Just calm down. Your team's looked okay thus far. Let's see if Steed gets his sh*t together this series.
Florida State 7, Wake Forest 0
4:28, Orville Reynolds returns kickoff to Wake 15 - Wait... seriously?
3:30 (Wake 3rd and 7 on Wake 18) Tanner Price pass incomplete, holding penalty on Wake Forest declined - Oh goddammit Steed. What the hell is that sh*t? Oh, and a penalty too? Just f*cking great. Great. Get your ass in there, Not Brad Wing. Don't suck.
3:05 (Wake 4th and 7 on Wake 18) Alex Kinal punt 42 yards, returned 60 yards by Rashad Greene for a touchdown - OH HOLY GOD TACKLE HIMMMMMMMMMMM! Not Brad Wing, what did I tell you about not sucking? I'm so gonna pull your student visa you piece of sh-
Steed Lobotzke: Jim! Jim! I just completed a quest and got my own flaming spear as a reward! It's not as good as my axe, but the one that that Indian guy used before the game was just too cool! I'm so leet now!
Florida State 14, Wake Forest 0
2:45, Orville Reynolds returns kickoff to Wake 19 - FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Okay, no more letting these kids return kicks. This is f*cking ridiculous.
0:46 (Wake 4th and 7 on Wake 33) - Hey, at least I got a first down this time. Maybe Steed's finally getting his sh*t together at last. And 14 down isn't THAT bad. Got three quarters left, Jim.
--- SECOND QUARTER ---
15:00 (FSU 1st and 10 on FSU 45) Kris Redding sack of EJ Manuel for 6 yard loss, fumble recovered by Wake's Tylor Harris - Now we're talking! Turnovers baby! F*ck Beamerball... they should call that sh*t "Grobe-ball". Suck it Jimbo.
13:23 (FSU 1st and 10 on FSU 5) run by EJ Manuel for 21 yards - Not a great offensive set. You really have to do something about Steed's "toys" Jim. Remember when he actually tried to shoot you with a bow and arrow? Yeah, he's mostly harmless, but it might be affecting recruiting. Do Norwegians like Dungeons and Dragons? I bet they do. Not Brad Wing loved it. Maybe I shouldn't have recruited him. Wait, are they... crap. So much for that defense.
13:17 (FSU 1st and 10 on FSU 26) run by Chris Thompson for 74 yard touchdown - Really? REALLY? And the Reggie Bush thing too? REALLY?!?! You're gonna be on Sportscenter tonight, Jim. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
Florida State 21, Wake Forest 0
12:52, Orville Reynolds returns kickoff to Wake 18 - BASDIFOJQQLWEJRQLER. FUCKING KICKOFFS.
12:15 (Wake 4th and 1 on Wake 27) run by Tanner Price for 2 yards - Steed told me to punt, but to hell with him. Not Brad Wing's foot's gonna fall off halfway through the third quarter at this rate. Good thing he's got another one. Still, not gonna win by acting like a bitch, Jimmy. YEAH TANNER!
11:22 (Wake 2nd and 4 on Wake 35) Bjorn Werner and Cornellius Carradine sack of Tanner Price for 5 yard loss - Wait? They have a guy named Tank along with Bjork? Oh holy god.
Steed Lobotzke: Jim, I rolled a 7-
Grobe: Eat sh*t and die, Steed.
9:54 (FSU 1st and 10 on FSU 20) run by Chris Thompson for 80 yard touchdown - Do Norwegians have tanks? They have to, right? Wait, is that guy beating us again? WHAT THE- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! F*CK! [Explicit Deleted Explicit Deleted Explicit Deleted]
Florida State 28, Wake Forest 0
9:42, Orville Reynolds returns kickoff to Wake 13 - GD PIECE OF SH*T. TAKE THE GD TOUCHBACK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Steed Lobotzke: Jim, can you make Brian cast healing on my ranger? His monk is just standing there. I think he wants to let me die so he can take my spear. But monks can't even use spears!
Brian Knorr: What the hell are you talking about?
4:47 (FSU 4th and Goal on Wake 1) 19 yard field goal by Dustin Hopkins - Calming down... calming down... calming down... find a happy place Jim... find a happy place Jim. Should probably start thinking about what to say during halftime interviews besides "My offensive coordinator is a useless turd." and "Can I borrow your phone, I need to find the nearest bar?" Maybe highlight the fact that Jimmy hasn't missed any kicks this week? God, I hope whoever it is doesn't ask too many questions.
Florida State 31, Wake Forest 0
4:37, touchback on Dustin Hopkins kickoff - YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! That wasn't so hard, now was it?
0:40 (3rd and 10 on Wake 30) Devonta Freeman run for 10 yards - Third and long... aaaaaand... way to let them get it guys. Seriously. Super job. Just... exemplary.
0:28 (1st and 10 on Wake 20) catch by Rodney Smith for 20 yard touchdown - Super job. Really. Absolutely fantastic. I wonder if I can sneak out at halftime and get sh*tfaced. And I wonder if there are any strip clubs open around here that are open right now. Probably. It's Tallahassee.
Florida State 38, Wake Forest 0
--- HALFTIME ---
Okay, fuck this. Nailed the halftime interviews. Came off calm and cool. Ladies love that. I'm just gonna put my iPod on in this headset for the entire second half. Whatever. I'm so done with this. Oh nice... I f*cking LOVE Daft Punk. Time to kick back and chillax for the rest of the day. Maybe think about those strippers for later. Mmm... yeah... strippers... and meatballs... around the world...
Steed Lobotzke: Jim...
Steed Lobotzke: What are we doing this week?
Grobe: Same time Tuesday night. I call Dungeon Master this week. Tell Wellman to bring the Doritos.