Ed. Note: With all the exciting rumors and deck chair shuffling amongst the college conferences, it's hard not to need a drink. That's why we brought on guest blogger Colin Vance, who decided to share with us each of the college conferences as different liquor brands.
You can find each of them after the jump. Do you agree/disagree? What are your choices for booze and college analogies? Are there any glaring errors or omissions?
Canadian Club: Wants so hard to be awesome and the party machine that is Jack Daniels
Grey Goose: It's pricey, it's got the panache of the 'best liquor around' thing going on, and people always clamor to get some. Only when you drink it do you realize it's just a really pricy vodka in a super-nice bottle. Why else is everyone always pouring out the Grey Goose in rap videos? They taste it, and it sucks.
Jack Daniels: it's always a solid choice, but never a great one.
Seagram's Gin: You know the super-swanky bottles that gin comes in? They do that to hide the fact that gin is effin' terrible. Sort of like when Big East teams use Syracuse, Louisville and UConn's basketball excellence to hide Bernie Fine's wife, Rick Pitino's affairs and Jim Calhoun's recruiting sleaziness and the God-awful bottom half of the Big East.
Captain Morgan's: It's always fun. It might leave you with an awful headache and wondering where you are, how you got here and who's beside you, but hey, you had a great time so screw it. Sort of like watching Kansas and Missouri play basketball and Texas and Texas A&M play football. You can hate the aftereffects, but you can't hate the party. Plus, every school's bright colors make them all look sort of like pirates.
Jameson: Jameson is a funny liquor. You forget about it for a while and then you drink some and you're like 'Oh man, this is really good! I should drink this more often!' Soft of like watching surprisingly good basketball, especially now with Butler and VCU. You drink Jameson a lot, and then you get worn out by it and forget. Time passes and the cycle repeats. Only drink Jameson or the A-10 between November and March.
Burnett's Flavored Vodka: Because if you've never had any other liquor ever, you could think this was good.
Japanese Whiskey: Whiskey buffs and the mid-major folk will tell you, "OMG! VCU! Midmajors/Japanese Whisky! Look out." You can disagree all you want, but watch a bit and you can see their point. Until you drink some Captain Morgan and realize, 'Wait, this is way, way better.'
Kentucky Gentleman: Cheap and awful. You only drink the Gentleman if you're down to your last 10 bucks, or if you're bying 100 half-gallons for a frat party. You only watch C-USA if there's no other college sports, How I Met Your Mother re-runs or C-Span on. Or if you're in Greenville, NC. In which case, you're probably drunk off Kentucky Gentleman anyway.
Johnny Walker: People always drink this stuff, and it's got a lot of character. What happens is you drink it the first time, think it's awful, but want to look classy. So you keep drinking this crap and next thing you know, you're used to it.
Aristocrat Vodka - Aristocrat is good precisely because you have low expectations. If you're buying A-crat, you know it's a terrible brand of vodka. You also know you're probably going to get a lot of it, and get completely wrecked. So you just enjoy the ride, and it turns out to be a pretty damn fun one. Like a Mt. St. Mary's-Gonzaga basketball game.
Wild Turkey: Nobody ever goes into the night planning to drink Wild Turkey. That's a decision you make at the bar, because you get a wild hair to do something crazy. Like watching a Toledo-Ohio football game. And damned if it doesn't turn out wonderful. You don't do it often because you don't want to ruin the spontaneity.