FanPost

In honor of the straw that broke the camel's back last night...


I've decided to make a list of ten potential candidates for the soon-to-be-available (by public demand) head coaching position, complete with pros and cons for each, as well as how each would fare on a neutral court against a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team.

As always, this list is probably incomplete and any suggestions should be made in the comments.

Candidate: Herb Sendek

Current occupation: Head coach at Arizona State

Career Record: 348-245 at Miami (OH), NC State, Arizona State

Pros: Proven success on Tobacco Road. Constantly overachieved with less talented teams. Steadily improved results at NC State over tenure, including five straight NCAA appearances in his final five seasons. Has won MAC, ACC, and Pac-10 Coach of the Year honors.

Cons: Crapping the bed at ASU since James Harden left. Already run off Tobacco Road once. Looks like a rodent.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 84-56.

***

Candidate: Dave Odom

Current occupation: Basketball analyst.

Career Record: 406-278 at East Carolina, Wake Forest, South Carolina

Pros: Proven success at Wake Forest. Recruited and coached Wake Forest legends Rodney Rogers, Randolph Childress, Josh Howard, and some skinny kid from the Caribbean named Duncan. Oversaw the most successful four year stretch in school history. Currently retired, so a low price tag. 3-time ACC Coach of the Year, SEC Coach of the Year.

Cons: Teams played just as mind-numbingly as Bzdelik's teams. Retired for a reason. Run out of Winston-Salem by a lynch mob following the 2001 Butler debacle. All-time winningest coach in NIT history.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 38-36, when Tim Duncan randomly shows up to play. Unfortunately, Rusty LaRue also shows up to play, so Wake never goes inside to Duncan. Still, with the game tied, LaRue throws a full court pass to Duncan, who lays it in as time expires.

***

Candidate: Ed Wilson ('43)

Current occupation: Provost Emeritus (Wake Forest)

Career Record: 0-0

Pros: Beloved community figure. Would instantly win over the fanbase. Could easily motivate players. Likely a good recruiter, as his generic wonderfulness would win over parents and recruits alike. Angels sing whenever he enters a room. Cares about the Wake Forest community and its basketball team.

Cons: Aging somewhat. Might only coach for a few years. Unproven record of success in basketball, generic wonderfulness notwithstanding.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 72-54. You can be sure that the players would play hard for him.

***

Candidate: Samuel L. Jackson

Current occupation: Actor, BAMF

Career Record: 0-0

Pros: Coached in that movie about that Richmond basketball team. You know, the one that was like Remember the Titans but for basketball. Could give one helluva pep speech. Would likely be able to recruit well given general notoriety.

Cons: No collegiate coaching experience. Expensive price tag. Swears almost as much as Mike Krzyzewski.

Would defeat a Jeff-Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: Wouldn't need to. Jeff Bzdelik would pee his pants at the thought of facing Samuel L. Jackson.

***

Candidate: Gregg Steinhafel

Current occupation: President of Target Corp.

Career Record: 0-0

Pros: Extremely loyal (having worked his way up the Target corporate ladder for 20 years before becoming President). Hard-working. Would be able to get recruits' parents employment in the Winston-Salem area. Would generally be able to successfully woo recruits' mothers.

Cons: No previous basketball experience. Would need capable assistants, as he seems to be more of the program CEO type. Likely an expensive price tag to convince him to leave Target.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 62-50. Would pack the paint and force shooters to beat his team.

***

Candidate: Hubert J. Farnsworth

Current occupation: Mad scientist

Career Record: 0-1

Pros: Capable of breeding atomic super monsters to play for him. Only loss was a fluke to the Harlem Globetrotters. Capable of erasing losses via his time travel inventions.

Cons: 2 dimensional. Animated. 160 years old. Has never won a basketball game. Prone to nepotism. Refuses to fire incompetent employees. Lives in the future.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 1255-0, if he could use the atomic super monsters. Without the monsters, the game becomes a pick 'em.

***

Candidate: Cookie Monster

Current occupation: Cookie rehab

Career Record: 0-0

Pros: Would really resonate with recruits, particularly at a young age. Given today's recruit projection society, this would be a huge plus. Extremely focused on the task at hand, to the point of obsession.

Cons: Not sure what the NCAA's policies on cookies are, but seems like a potential recruiting violation. Could be easily side-tracked by cookies. Has no backbone to speak of, so would need strong guiding influence.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 96-52. Cookie Monster takes no prisoners on the court.

***

Candidate: Zombie Skip Prosser

Current occupation: Walking dead

Career Record: 0-0 if you don't count his living career, 291-146 if you do.

Pros: Would work for peanuts. Or brains. Something like that. Would likely play a faster-paced tempo than Bzdelik, which will help win over fans. Good recruiter. Beloved campus figure. ACC Coach of the Year in 2003.

Cons: Potentially opens school up to wrongful death liability should he escape. Teams routinely peaked in January.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 84-66. Wake fans know that Prosser's teams considered defense semi-optional.

***

Candidate: Wait Chapel

Current occupation: Chapel

Career Record: 0-0

Pros: Excellent height. Would really resonate with religious recruits or parents wanting a more traditional education for their children. Campus icon. Promotes student activities.

Cons: Immobile. Would have to move basketball games to the quad to actually coach. Unable to coach away games. Not prone to successful pep talks, or any talks, for that matter.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: Wouldn't be able to play on a neutral court. All games would have to take place on the Wake Forest campus, which is decidedly anti-Bzdelik.

***

Candidate: Apollo

Current occupation: Retired deity

Career Record: 0-0

Pros: Parent god of physical wellness and medicine. Could double as effective medical staff, saving costs. Excellent recruiter, as he can consult his oracle to determine which recruits will pan out beforehand.

Cons: Might not succeed in such a religious state as North Carolina. Has not coached in over 2000 years.

Would defeat a Jeff Bzdelik-coached team on a neutral court: 127-32, thanks to the enhanced physical fitness of his players.

The content of FanPosts is not necessarily the opinions, thoughts or beliefs of Blogger So Dear.

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